ceanandjen

.on the flip side.

Unfortunately, we did not follow through on our plans to do joint video blogs throughout the trip to California. I explain why in this video blog post...but it was one of those classic cases of good intentions, but poor follow through...for a myriad of reasons.

It is good to be home, unpacked and settled in again; however, I am feeling the loss of the people who we spent time with while we were away. It was very very difficult to drive away from Mill's home on Wednesday morning, as it was difficult to leave a handful of other people. This trip ended up being far more meaningful and emotional than I ever could have imagined, and thus, on the flip side, I am incredibly grateful that we made the journey and now have the memories of it...forever.

.going back to cali....video blog 1.

As promised....the first installation. Remember, we are very tired and slap happy.

.time warp.

So, tomorrow we leave for California. It has been nearly three years since I have been back to Ventura and I anticipate that I will be looking at it through new eyes on many different levels.

But, that is just the introduction here. In honor of our visit, my best friend Mill decided to scan some old photos of us and put them on Facebook last week. I thought that I would return the favor by scanning some of my own and sharing them. This is a slightly embarrassing little venture, as damn....did I have some bad hair for much of the time. And, what is up with the WHITE face makeup? But, they are funny and they remind me of another time and place....far far away.

Also, Cean and I will celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary while we are in California, so I thought some photos of the early "ceanandjen" would be appropriate as well.

There are a lot of pictures. Sit back and be entertained. I won't take offense if you laugh. Really, I won't. ;-)

4.27.1991 :: PROM

5.24.1991

5.22.1991

June 1991 :: High School Graduation, Day 1

6.28.1991 :: Jen's 18th Birthday Party @ Cean's House

August 1991 :: before I left for collage

December 1993

6.11.1994 :: Mill's Birthday

Spring 1993 ?? :: First time I had my hair dyed....and it's just a classy picture, don't you think? (smirk)

And now, on to some early photos of Cean and I.....

1989 or 1990?? :: Cean before Jen

February 1991 :: Cean just a wee little bit before Jen (we would have our first kiss weeks later)

June 1991 :: celebrating my 18th birthday

August 1991 :: @ Mill's house and about to celebrate our 6 month anniversary (ha!)

Summer 1991

1991 :: Thanksgiving @ my Mom and Dad's

December 1991 :: New Year's Eve

Spring 1993 ?? :: another classy photo

Cean and I are *hoping* to do a few short video blogs while we are south, as we thought it would be fun to document a bit of our time. It is indeed time to have a little fun.

xo

.video blog 5 ~ talking it through.

I mentioned in my last post that I had started to talk into that little camera twice, but decided that I did not want an audience, thus I promptly stopped.

This is not particularly earth shattering; I guess that I just needed to talk it through a bit more and sitting here with my coffee, pretending that you or you or you is sitting across from me and engaging me in the conversation seemed like a good plan.

So, please just pretend that is what it is.

Oh, and one more thing...please disregard that comment about readership being nothing; it is nothing, but it does not need to be mentioned in the midst of this and quite honestly it was just a bit whiny, which really is an unattractive quality I have.  ;-)

.you need more.

"i believe
that we can achieve
the love that we need
i believe
call me naive
that love is for free"
~love, etc.~
pet shop boys

So, I had this really lovely post planned for tonight. A post where I introduced you to the new Pet Shop Boys single and talked about how at the end of the day, all the material objects and worry and strife in the world mean nothing as long as we have love. That, as the PSB's say in this song....."you need more."  I was all giddy about the discovery of this song and the fact that I love it so and the fact that I love the meaning so and the fact that it is one of those play on repeat songs. It just plain made me feel good.

And then, in the last 10 minutes of my work day, that all went to hell. Seriously. Bad work news. Stress inducing news. Pit in the bottom of your stomach news.

And all that new found giddiness went away. Mighty fast.

The thing is, things have been stressful and the fear of the unknown has been lingering for months now. And everything may turn out okay. But, it may not. It's that freaking wicked unknown piece that is so scary.

And, faced with even thinking about the worst case scenario, the fear that comes up is pretty awful. As I said in my last post, I work really hard not to live in that everyday, because it would consume me whole.

So, I thought about not posting at all. And then I started a Vblog...twice, but was interrupted by my husband both times....and since I am not all about the patience tonight, I gave up with a huff and decided just to type it out.

So, this is me breathing while typing. Quite literally. I am trying to put that fear aside and again remind myself of what is really important. I am trying to remind myself that there is only so much that I have control of. I am trying to remind myself to think positive thoughts in an effort to manifest them as the actual outcome.

I am trying to wrap my head around what I was originally going to talk about here.

Deep breathe.
Deep breathe.
Deep breathe.

Since I don't remember what the heck I was actually going to say, because at that point I had my head a bit in the clouds and now I am all about the aggravated....I will just put the video below and let you listen and hum and bop along. I am going to get the boy to bed and try to keep breathing.

.on calm.

I have been trying to stay calm and as content as possible amidst the storms that seem to be consistently ravaging outside the windows of our little blue and orange house. I stay far away from the news these days-far away, for whenever I chance a peek, I am again reminded of just how scary it really is out there right now. So many people, just like you and me who are trying to live their lives and make a decent living, provide for their families and just plain breathe are loosing their jobs and their security. How quickly I can get sucked into the fear and the worry-deep worry because, let's face it, none of us is totally immune to the current state of affairs. No.One.

I try to stay positive and calm about the current atmosphere of the company that I world for, despite the fact that we are also facing challenges. I have to. Again, for the same reason that I stated above.

I can not live in constant fear. It is absolutely debilitating.

And so, I completely pull back, staying away from the outside world and the internet world, not allowing other people's stories into my space and trying, everyday, to just make my own space somewhat content- enjoying the weather, the book I am reading, the explosion of green and color outside-planning for a family trip that we are are taking in a few weeks that I was positive we could not afford, but that somehow we have managed to scrap the funds together for-concentrating only on my little bubble of a world.

It is what has kept me sane and somewhat even tempered.

A few weeks ago we had a death in the family, and while there was little that I could do because I was so very far away, I was able to support my parents, who WERE there. I was able to change their travel plans for them; I was able to to ask them how THEY were doing, and I was able to listen to their stories of how being there, among family was so altering and beautiful, despite the sorrow. There was a lot of perspective gained from their stories and seeing them when they finally came home...with more tidbits of their experiences there, the peace that they felt and the general reminder that even in the midst of a storm, people can come together and perpetuate love.

It's close to home, close to the heart. And, at the end of the day, is what matters the most.

Generally speaking, I don't feel bad about the long stretches of staying away from the news, from Twitter, from Facebook and blogs, as sometimes the immersion into all of that does me more harm than good.

Sometimes it simply acts as an escape when what you should actually be doing is paying attention to your own little world-who and what is in it, the rhythm of it-grounding yourself in the normalcy of everyday life-your life-not the lives of others.

Sometimes, doing this actually makes you feel more adequate because the only thing that you are focusing on  is a successful day within your own realm. There are no outside influences of what should or should not be, only what is right for you, right now, here, today and in this moment. You are just not gaging yourself based on what the proverbial "they" are doing or thinking.

And that is not always exciting; often times it is downright mundane. But, you know what? I'll take it right now because it is simpler, less emotional and more grounding.

Unlike in the past, I don't view all of this so much as a wall, as I do a cocoon, a protective state. I envision a big bubble, not a wall, and I rather like that image. I also rather like the fact that as a general rule, i am relatively calm. (well, at least for me, anyway)

Of course, the downside of this is that I have little to no communication with the outside world, namely my friends. Do they understand? I don't know; I have not asked them. Does it mean loosing connections? I don't know the answer to that either. I guess that I am asking myself these questions because today I took a peek into blog world and did a bit of reading up...here and there. I found some beautiful and inspiring thoughts.

But in reading and being touched and even shedding a few tears, I realize that in pulling back so much, I no longer feel like a part of all that. Maybe it is silly, but there it is regardless, and for what it is worth. And, truth be told, the realization does bring some sadness with it because there is a lot of joy out there....and an awful lot of talk of dreams.

Dreams.

The word, the meaning, the possibility behind it makes me smile. It makes me happy for those who are wrapping themselves up in it. It is a bright, sunny spot amidst the negative swirling that seems to permeate everywhere else.

And, then I sigh.

Because I am so not there right now. Because that bubble that I have been in really just lets in the here and now. At the end of the day, the only thing that I can really "dream" about is that my family stays okay. We are okay right now. We have our jobs, our health, our home and our love. We are blessed. And that is what I focus on. That, and the little things in life that bring calm.

I guess the little bit of sadness seeps into my being because I hope with all of my being that the dreams...the fun, full of possibility dreams do come back where they can find a warm little corner to settle in and manifest. Right now, the thought of that just overwhelms me....been there, done that. Nothing happened. Not setting myself up for that again. Or, wait, perhaps I am afraid of them? For wanting too much, wishing for too much? How can I possibly dream of other when I am so scared, deep down, that what we actually have now could suddenly disappear, just as it has for so many others.

And that regardless of what I dream, it just can't be a reality for me. There, I said it.

Thus, why, I suppose I can't go there emotionally right now. Why I am keeping it simple and relishing in the positive that I can manifest and wrap myself in. In what is tangible for me right now. In what is tangible for us right now. I am keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground, because I just can't deal with them being anywhere else.

And so I come full circle. Thinking it all through and writing it all down on scrap paper, as it were, because I could not find a journal. While it all seems a bit disjointed, when I really look at it, it really is not disjointed at all. I suppose that I have just followed my emotional instincts and made a choice. The result of that choice is not excitement or utter joy or that wonderful feeling of flying towards my dreams. The result is a simple one and it is something that I have been starved for.

We all have to make concessions in life. I don't believe that there is such a thing as having everything. That, after all would be some kind of perfection, and we all know that life is not perfect. As SARK says, it is perfectly imperfect...as are we. Concessions are okay, and I guess that at the end of the day, when I weigh my options, the simple little cobblestone path that I am currently on is a good one.

When it is time to change course, I will know.

the shop + my word

At long last, I have reopened the shop. I went into vacation mode a few months ago because I felt that it was time to take a break, regroup and do some spring cleaning.

The catalyst for this was actually a deep cleaning of my office and subsequent tax preparation, you know, the real life stuff. But, as these things tend to do, the sentiment spread to most areas of my life.

After I closed shop, I decided that it was time to revamp the whole look of the logo. While I adored the one that I have had for the last few years with it's whimsical feel and bold colors, it felt right to simplify a bit. At the end of the day, it took a 180 degree turn.

I sat with it for a bit, showed it to those who are nearest and dearest to my heart and finally decided it was what felt like me. Right now.

 

It feels good to get those creative juices flowing again, though I must constantly remind myself that time management is key. The moment I start to juggle too many items I loose all sense of self and absolutely nothing turns out the way I intended. In recent months, I have decided to go with it and focus on small bits at a time. Not only have I gone with it, but I have given myself permission to do so without guilt. 

Which leads me to the second topic of this post, and that is my "word for the year." I do realize that it is May. As in five months into the year. As in shouldn't I have come up with this sooner? I think not. I think that it comes to you when it is supposed to. It comes to you when you are prepared to truly embrace it's meaning and actually employ it. It comes to you when you can believe and trust in it.

My word: SIMPLIFY

With all of the ups and downs (okay, namely downs) in recent times, I learned a lot about myself. There are things that I already knew and could readily acknowledge, but acknowledgement and action are two very different animals.

I have learned to set bounderies, both as they pertain to the outside world as well as how they pertain to me. I am only one little person and I can only control so much. I can only do so much. I can only be so much. Thinking that I can run that proverbial marathon and successfully affect ten areas in my life at one time is both unrealistic and just plain setting myself up for failure. 

And I did that. Over and over again.

Thus where "the word" comes in.

Take one thing (or two or three because I am, after all, a wife and mother with a full time job) at a time and focus on doing it to the best of my abilities, whatever my best is on that particular day. It might be better tomorrow and it might be worst. But, I have no control over that. Look to the simple things and make an attempt to notice them. Let the small stuff go. Know when to say no. Know when to say yes. Stop over explaining myself. Stop blaming myself for every.single.thing. Take bits and pieces of life in smaller spoonfuls. Focus on one hobby at at time. The same goes for chores. Don't spend so much time on the internet. Stop looking outward for happiness. Stop focusing on all of the scariness in the world. Make simple wishes.

The list goes on and on, but at the end of the day, it all comes down to one simple little word. Simplify.

So far, it has served me well in so much as I am not nearly as anxious and unhappy as I was for far too long. Of course, I am not nearly as on-point as I would like to be either, but one can not have everything in life. If constant anxiety = always being hyper aware, I'll take the calm and the loss of memory that comes with it. :-)

We'll see how it goes. The "one day at a time" sentiment is a wise one, indeed, for every single day is a new story.

As always, thanks for being around.

xo

six years old

All of those little cliche statements about how fast time goes by and how quickly they grow up...about how it seems like only yesterday but also seems like it was a world away...every single one of them is true.

It was only yesterday that we arrived at the hospital to have our little over-baked baby induced. And yet, it was another lifetime ago, as so much has happened in our lives since then.

The boy is a true character and with each year that he has under his belt, this becomes yet more apparent. I have said it many times before, and I will say it again; he is an amazing individual. He will do great things in life because he is inherently so incredibly FULL of life.

And so, yet again, I offer sweet wishes to the wind and sky and hope that his life is full of beauty and love.

Happy birthday my boy. Your presence is magic.

green shoes = love

As does.....

• friendship
• tea
• thrift and antique stores
• lunches surrounded by books
• trusting
• coffee
• beautiful dresses
• singing to 80's new wave
• emotional safe spaces
• hands linked
• brainstorming
• celebration
• bubbles in a glass
• spongecake
• strolling
• sunshine breaks
• indecision that leads to relaxation
• pillows
• confiding
• an explosion of green
• a good night's sleep
• understanding

xo

video blog #4

sometimes.....

• solitude is the best company
• the fact that the sun is shining is all that matters
• the gentle ripple of the water that the breeze creates is the most beautiful sight of the day
• completing simple tasks is cause for celebration
• lighting a candle can improve your entire atmosphere
• a certain song is all the balm you need
• being brutally honest with yourself releases you like you never would have thought possible
• boring is a good thing
• ideas come from the strangest sources
• simple detours can cause joy
• what you think should transpire is not at all what actually should occur
• the difficult path is better in the long run
• life's lessons come in the smallest packages

Why is it that this dark thing, no matter how much you wish it was not there, does not disappear  in a blink of an eye. The same blink of an eye that you make as you realize it is lingering there again. Like smoke, it swirls around you until it finally permeates your insides. Stifling and wholly unhealthy, it overcomes.

 It is not as bad as it was last time, you tell yourself, no, not as bad as the last time. You can see through that smoke a little more than the last time. Know enough to recognize it for what it is.

But oh, how you wish it away. You wish that you could conjure up sweet, fresh and clean air. The kind of air that settles around you lightly, but can seemingly lift your feet off the ground. And you despair that you can not. And why, why can’t you? Why don’t you have that power. It almost seems magical…the clash of good verses evil. Your disappointment is nearly tangible as it mingles in the air with the smoke.

You curse it, or is that yourself you are cursing. It’s difficult to discern.

A song drifts through the house. “Protection.” You understand that sentiment well. It’s what you seek.

You ponder the anniversary and take yourself back to the events as they unfolded. You can almost feel how you did then. Almost. But that just makes you bitter and resentful, for as much as you can remember them, you can’t capture them in the here and now. Once something to be celebrated, now something that you scorn.

Tired. So tired.

The door opens.

Close your eyes. Smile.  Seek protection. There is always next year.

Walk through it.

when a dream manifests...be present retreats

Today my dear friend Liz made a very exciting announcement that I wanted to share here as well. She is introducing Be Present Retreats to the world. Because her description is far more beautiful than anything that I could hope to come up with, I will quote it here:

"The Be Present Retreats were born from the belief that creating is a meditation of the soul. Each retreat is an invitation to pause in your life and gather in a supportive environment filled with like-minded individuals in a creative, playful, and meditative atmosphere.

June 2009 brings Self-Portrait Excavation, a retreat centered around the journey that is the self-portrait. We will gather on the coast in Gearhart, Oregon and immerse ourselves in paint, words, photography, and the beauty of our surroundings."

This has been a dream in the making for quite some time. The fact that she is now manifesting that dream and giving it life and breathe and wings makes me so very happy. I just know that everyone who participates in this retreat will come away from it with a heart that is altered and eyes that see anew.

Liz has a wonderful perspective on the world and has the ability to positively affect every person who she comes into contact with. Together with Judy Wise and Jen Goff, magic will be made.

Further information regarding the June retreat can be found on the Be Present Retreats blog.

.love.

Saturday will mark 18 years since the first time Cean and I shared a kiss. It is also our official anniversary of the start of our relationship.

 I was in my senior year of high school and Cean was about to turn 27. I was concerned with scholarships and collage, while he was already well on his way in the journey of life.

We were at opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of our history, likes, dis-likes, hobbies, personalities, friends and everything in between.

He told me that I made him want to be a better man.

His spirit, passion, silliness, and love for life drew me in.

It made no sense. We were 9 years apart in age and worlds apart in person.

And yet, it worked.

We have lived. We have loved. We have gone through hardship. We have bounced back. We have moved. We have stayed. We have walked. We have run. We have started. We have stopped. We have created. We have destroyed. We have walked on the same path. We have walked on different paths. 

We have met in the middle.

I have been with Cean for over half of my life now. We both present our challenges to our relationship, yet despite that we have continued to love one another and support one another. There have many difficult times. We are not perfect, nor is our relationship, but we love and respect each other. We communicate. We acknowledge our differences and try to build on our common strengths.

Eighteen years ago, I asked him to be my valentine and he offered me his heart.

video blog 3::the one in which i ramble, a lot

Welcome to the end of another week. And totally check out my deer in the headlights look at the end of part a. It's classic.

Here is the link to the camera shop that I referenced: Blue Moon Camera. If you love vintage cameras it is a beautiful place, indeed.  The lovely man who helped us took so much time and care to share information and knowledge. It was a delightful experience.

xo