ceanandjen

Birth~Day

Five years ago today we were blessed with this perfect little monkey. As I always joke, he was "over-baked" so on Monday, 5/5/2003 Cean and I checked into the hospital at 7:00 a.m. so that I could be induced. It was a beautiful day full of magic.

Our boy is an amazing little individual and I do believe that I could not have picked a more perfect little one. He is smart and sensitive, fiery (which is what his name means) and full of conviction, articulate and loving. My own Mom always said that I was her greatest contribution to this world, and I feel exactly the same way about our boy.

I have no idea where the last five years have gone; however, I do know that they have been full of life and love and things that we would have never experienced had this angel baby not come into our lives.

Happy Birthday my baby. May your life be full of love and goodness.

Supporting Our Own

I am coming out of hiding for just a bit because I felt it important to bring something to your attention. I will preface this by stating that I am not an "activist" nor do I tend to participate in dialog that would be considered political in nature. I believe that we all have our convictions and beliefs and I hope that we do good by those to the best of our ability,whatever that may look like.

With that being said, I want to talk a little bit about New Orleans. For the last week, I have spent a good bit of my evening time looking at pictures and reading up on what today's New Orleans looks like following the disaster that took place there 2 1/2 years ago and I am shocked and dismayed. I guess that I knew on some level that the state of affairs was not terribly positive; however, I had no idea just how challenging it still is and continues to be. It is disheartening at best and downright disturbing at worst.

It is not my intention to get up on some type of soap box and talk about things of which I know nothing about. I do not live there and I do not know the daily ins and outs. It is also not my intention to start talking about what the various levels of government and this administration should be doing about this. We know where attentions have been turned and were funds have been spent at the federal level and at this point, I simply do not know enough about the local level to make any type of definitive assertions. From what I have read; however, their attention has also been put on the wrong things and their assistance has been sorely lacking. Enough said about that.

It is my intention to remind everyone that this city still needs serious help.

Reality dictates that recovery and rebuilding after such a tremendous disaster takes a great amount of time and resources. Nothing happens overnight.

But not enough has happened there, either on the clean up front or on the rebuilding front. Structures that should not be demolished are and structures that need to be removed are not. Attention appears to be paid on the wrong things. Priorities are twisted. People are still homeless. They have houses that need to be gutted or lots that need to be rebuilt on but they do not have the money. Public housing projects continue to be closed off and many of them are in the process of being demolished despite the fact that they are completely habitable. I could go on and on, but you get the point. At the end of the day, the people who need the most help appear to be the people are receiving the least. They have lost everything.

And so I step back and look at my own life. I think about the fact that despite the difficulties and dark clouds that hover around at times, I am incredibly lucky. So many of us are incredibly lucky. We have so much.  Even in our darkest days, we have so much.

I have added a new section to my sidebar that includes links to a few organizations, the most publicized being the Make it Right Foundation.  But there are others, many of whom are working together and supporting each other as they work to contribute to the well being of these people. There are also a few links that talk in detail about what is happening in regards to the public housing complexes.

These foundations and organizations rely on donations, and that is where we all come in.  Not everyone can donate, and I appreciate that. We all have our own hardships and challenges. It is my hope though, that those people who can contribute, will. These organizations are doing amazing work and they are taking care of people who otherwise would not be taken care of.

These are people in our own backyard. These people could be us.

I think that is what has hit me square in the forehead as I have sat taking all of this in. Here I sit in my comfortable home and surroundings, struggling day to day to either get through my own crap or  contemplate the scary state of the world in which we live. And don't get me wrong, we should be taking care of our own home front as well as worrying about the world in which we live, but we should also be contemplating and supporting people in the country in which we live as well.

And so I will close by thanking you for taking the time to read and asking you to please remember these people and keep them in your heart. We all tend to forget things when they are not part of our daily lives. Sometimes all it takes is a reminder not only of how lucky we are but of how others are in need.

xo

Weekend Views

What a fantastic weekend we had!

Our friend Jeff from S.F. spent three and half days with us AND I spent a portion of Saturday afternoon with Liz searching for fabulous antique trinkets. There was good food, good drink, good discussions and a general air of lightness, which is something that this house has been missing for far too long.

There was also concert going (Cean and Jeff saw Bruce Springsteen on Friday night and X on Saturday night), creativity, and a bit of organization.

Oh, and it snowed, hailed, was sunny and hailed again. Just for good measure and a little excitement.

I hope that your weekends were filled with joy as well.

xo

Content

me, feeling content

For the first time in many many weeks, I actually felt happy at the end of today. I felt like I could breathe and smile, breathe and smile.

So, in the spirit of my dear friend's "five really good things" posts, I present today's five good things:

1.) Our taxes are ready to be sent to the accountant! There is a lot of prep work that I need to do prior to sending them and for weeks now I have been stressing over the fact that I could not wrap my head around just sitting down and getting it done. As of tonight, they are just about off my plate!

2.) Easter was just lovely.

3.) The boy and I spent Saturday going to the Disneyland of furniture stores (IKEA ) and sprucing up my office. There are a few finishing touches left, but the Saturday additions that came from both our basement and the Disneyland of furniture stores made an amazing difference.

4.) I am figuring out how to use my camera on the "M" for manual setting. Taking it off of "P" is making me feel like a new, independent camera women. I say this in jest because my learning curve is beyond large, but I am proud of myself for figuring out the ISO settings. *big grin*

5.) It's Spring. The flowers are growing. The trees are budding. The birds are singing. Life is happening.

One day at a time. One breathe at a time. But it has to begin somewhere, and thank goodness it started today.

I hope everyone's Easter was sweet.

xo

And p.s. to Mill: this is in honor of our girl's new album being released soon. :-)

Sharing Some Moments

Things around here have been tough lately. Nothing earth shattering, just the day to day grind really grinding me down. I have not talked about it because I have been in a space of quiet and introspection and because after awhile it is the same old dance with a different tune and that's not what I want to manifest.

The down and dirty aspects that are therapy kicked into high gear in December, and have escalated since then. At the end of the day, this is exactly why I started going to therapy last summer. My goal was to understand what was happening to me emotionally at the time as well as to analyze the patterns that I have repeated for years.

I knew going into it that I would have to be brutally honest with myself. There could be no in between. For this reason, it was one of the most intentional personal decisions that I have ever made. 

It took several months to get to a point where I felt that we were actually making headway. Once we started down that road, the incline grew sharp, and it has continued that way. Some very important discoveries have been made and some definitions applied, and in the midst of that I have not been my best self. Although, I am beginning to wonder if I have ever been my best self.

That is the goal then, to become my best self.

I am not going to drone on about the particulars of either what my emotional state has been like or what our daily existence has been like. Again, that is why I have been quiet, and I believe that it has served me well insomuch as it has given me more time to just be.

Unfortunately, that time has not been particularly productive in terms of getting things done. I have been in a state of mental, emotional and physical exhaustion for weeks, and have gone with it because I just did not have the energy to fight it.

I was recently promoted at work (yes, the full time day job that I never speak of, and after this probably won't speak of again for some time) and that has brought with it frantically busy days and long weeks. Beyond that, my only other focus of attention has been the boy, because as his mother, I owe him that. He needs to be the focus, no matter what I am going through.

There have been no "sparks." I have felt like a sleepwalker, save for the many moments of anxiety, stress and panic that are sprinkled throughout my weeks.

Several weeks ago, during a discussion with C, I realized that I have stopped doing those little "me" things that I always have done to sustain myself. And that was quite an actualization. The "wow, I need to do something about that" kind of realization.

But that can't be forced. It comes when it comes.

And finally....finally I felt the spark return about a week ago. All of a sudden I could not get enough of the design blogs and decorating magazines called my name and finally I am starting to feel that flutter of creative excitement again. It's slow, as everything has been for the last year, but I have come to realize that is how it all happens.

Slowly.

So why all of this background? I don't know, sometimes you just need to write it all out, especially when the punchline is a good one and there is that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

Last night Dar and I had one of our marathon phone chats and early into it she mentioned the 3191 blog. Because I live in a bubble, I had not heard about it; however, it is just lovely. Two friends who live thousands of miles apart (Portland, Oregon and Portland, Maine) each take a picture once per day and then post them side by side on their blog in a daily post. It is their way of bringing their lives together. The first year was morning pictures and the current version is evening pictures.

It is more than mildly frustrating for the two of us that we 1.) we live nearly 1,000 miles apart 2.) we live in different countries and 3.) our lives and responsibilities are not allowing us to plan trips to see each other like we were hoping to do this spring.

And so she proposed this idea of a collaborative photoblog, and I bit, and Dar being Dar, she made it happen. Beautifully.

Shared Moments

If you click on the link, you will will see our new collaborative blog called "Shared Moments." The theme will be changed weekly and we will not see each other's photos until it is time for Dar to post them.

The initial idea was to keep this private; however, once Dar posted our pictures today and they smiled back at us, we decided it was something that we wanted to share.

It is a wonderful way for the two of us to share our day to day views and I believe that it will be an important tool in helping me in again embrace those tiny moments of beauty    each day, which is something that has been sorely lacking. And, thus multiple silver linings and an infusion of creativity.

I hope that your moments are bringing you joy this Friday night and Happy Easter weekend.

peace.xo

Dormant

Dormant:

- marked by a suspension of activity

- temporarily in abeyance yet capable of being activated

- asleep; inactive; having the facilities suspended

edited to add: definition from here.

You know how sometimes you know how you feel, but you just can't seem to put it into words? Try as you might, the descriptions end up wordy, yet still lacking.

I realized yesterday that spring is everywhere, from the flowers in everyone's yards to the buds on the trees to the blue jays that I spied lifting small branches from my backyard to use for their new nest. And then it hit me. All of this life is dormant in winter.

And that is exactly what I have been.

Dormant.

The good news is that dormant does not equal done, but instead it represents a time of rest. It is simply a suspension of activity, whatever that might look like. There is life and hope on the other side of it.

And there is that word hope again.

I am not sure that I will bloom as quickly as this bud will, but it resonates with me and for that I am grateful.

I hope that your days are filled with hope.

'Good Life'

When it comes to music, my taste is varied, but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to Electronic, in all of it's forms, and pretty much always has.

This song was one of my first favorites in this genre and it still has the ability to make me smile like a big goof and dance around the house like a maniac. That is my definition of a "happy song."

"Good Life" by Inner City

Happy dancing.xo

The Word

Ah, but just when I think that I have nothing to say in a public forum, something clicks in my mind and suddenly I just need to get it out.

This morning, instead of preparing my taxes, as the reasonable and responsible me had planned to do, I am designing a necklace and drinking delicious chocolate flavored coffee with my favorite soy creamer from Trader Joe's.

I decided that I should probably put the guilt of not being responsible aside, as least for a few hours, and just be in the moment. I decided that I should take a bit of time to soak in some beauty. It is a very conscious decision on my part, which I find a bit disconcerting, but that discussion is for another day.

With this in mind, I decided to read a few blogs, none of which I commented on, but all of which either deeply resonated or made me smile. A small handful that contained little nuggets of wisdom and strength.

I find it interesting how there are times in our lives when we are inherently drawn to particular things...certain books...certain words. The books will touch you deep inside almost immediately when they are meant to be read "right now." The words? The words will show themselves to you on a regular basis. You will see them everywhere and you will understand them. I have one such word right now.

Transition.

And it dawned on me not ten minutes ago that this is my "word" for this year.

Transition.

Along with everything else that has been swirling around me lately, so has this word. It is everywhere and in everything. And, I understand it to the core.

And so it is declared, albeit a bit late.

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for both your emails, as well as the space you are giving me. When I declare that I need space, I do mean it. It becomes a necessity for me, this space. I can not breath or operate properly without it. And so I thank you for respecting that, but reaching out with thoughtful kindness none the less.

peace.xo

Happy Song

This is one of my all time favorite "happy songs."

Enjoy & peace.

Break

I am taking a break. 

Perhaps I should reword that to say that I am now telling all of you that I am taking a break, as clearly my complete lack of presence for the last few weeks would indicate as such.

I have realized that there are times in life when you simply must let something go, and right now blogging is that something for me.

Life is swirling and it must be attended to.

And as is always the case for each of us, there are simply not enough hours in the day. Combine that with the fact that I am in a place of needing to be quiet, and there it is.

I think of you all and I hope that you are doing well.

I will see you soon.

xo

Checking In

Just a quick hello to let you know that I am still alive, despite the fact that I have not read blogs in days and clearly can't seem to wrap my arms around posting here more than once a week lately.

I also had internet issues for days, which was a bit frustrating.

I have been listing new items on Etsy, actually taking the time to read a book (gasp!), working on my Mondo Beyondo questions and list and journal writing in general, nursing another cold and general life "things."

I hope that you are all doing well and will come visit your part of the blogosphere very soon.

Until then....xoxo

On Crying

Another one of those stream of consciousness posts.....

It's strange how much and how easily I cry these days. Really, it takes next to nothing to turn my emotions over and for the tears to start welling up. This, from a person who resisted the urge to cry for many years and avoided it at all costs. I honestly believed that crying denoted weakness and I told myself this on a regular basis.

I am not sure what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to.

At this stage in the game, I don't think that matters anymore, because I was wrong, of course. I was much younger and my surroundings were completely different than they are today.

I fought to be strong. I fought to stay strong. I build the protective wall over and over again.

What I am now realizing is that the wall was not there only to keep the outside world on...the outside, it was also there to keep my from myself.

An unconscious protection of me...from me?

On the surface, I don't feel particularly sad today, but it not what is on the surface that triggers these spontaneous releases; it is what is buried deep down inside.

And it is what is deep inside that I kept surrounded by walls for so long.

A fascinating study, this study of self. I find that it is not so scary I as I would talk myself into believing it could be.

Perhaps this because being in the dark for so long was scary? Perhaps that is what I have been fighting?

These days, I let the tears flow. Some of that comes from the fact that I just don't have the energy to fight it, but the more important part is that I I am beginning to believe in the positive power of these tears.

I don't always feel better immediately following them. Many times the feelings and heaviness linger...for minutes...hours...days even. I liken this to to detoxing, only of the emotional variety. It is like when you detox your body and you watch all of the impurities exit you. I believe that these tears are a detoxing of my spirit and that I am watching the emotional impurities exit.

Re-framing it this way has helped me tremendously, for it has allowed me to accept that I do this and stop fighting....always fighting. It has also made the act something that I can embrace and actually be grateful for.

.....end of stream. xo

Goodbye 2007.....

I know that this sounds harsh, but I am not sad to see you end.

You were trying and generally difficult to get along with.

But, you challenged me to look deeper within myself and come face to face with some parts of me I never knew existed; good and bad, ugly and beautiful, and everything in between.

If I look at you as a whole, I realize that while you presented me with many negatives, you also gifted me with many amazing positives.

And for that I am grateful.

I know that this new chapter in my life called 2008 will be greatly enhanced as a result of you, 2007.

And so, with mixed feelings, I bid you au revoir.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And to all of you? You have been a warm blessing in my life. I have 'met' a plethora of amazing women this year, all of whom have enriched my life, and many of whom I am now honored to call friends. I could have never imagined, last New Years Eve, that 2007 would bring with it such soulful connections.

I certainly could have never imagined that it would bring me this soul friend. You, my beautiful friend were the brightest of my stars this year.

I wish each and every one of you a Happy New Year. May 2008 be one of joyful contentment.

xoxo

White Christmas!

It snowed today!!!! Big white fluffy snow. It did not stick, but no matter because the minute we saw it the five of us ran outside to take pictures and be silly.

us when it started to snow...photo by my Dad :-)

I hope that you all had a beautiful day full of magic.

xo